Saturday, December 30, 2017

The Earth Circling the Sun

I keep thinking 2018 will magically make my life better.  I feel as though the 8 replacing the 7 will change everything.  This isn't a new thought, is it?  Lots of people make resolutions and wax poetic about the new year.  I know, however, that tomorrow night will not erase my grief, guilt, or mental illness.  Nothing but the date will change.  Still, the earth did circle the sun and that must mean something.   

2017 started off well.  I entered into my last semester of grad school, and I felt proud of what I had accomplished up until that point.  I won an academic award for having a 4.0 each semester, which was a specific goal I had and reaching a goal is always worthy of celebration.

Early 2017 was also a great time of stability in my life.  My medications were working, and my moods were mostly healthy.

Then I got that call in April.  "Your brother took his life this morning."  I actually challenged her and said, "No he didn't."  The tears came.  From that moment, my life halved itself.  I still attended school, and I still tried my best, and while part of me was excited about graduation, most of me was numb and simply surviving.  I graduated in May, and my family took a trip to Universal Studios.  It was a sweet distraction that lasted only as long as it could.  During that time, I recognized that some people are true friends, through any and everything, and some people are there for the good times only.

The summer came, and I found other distractions, some healthy and some not, but all welcomed.  I rediscovered the way writing helps me.  In a short few months, I made and lost a friend who had a deep impact on me.   My marriage fell into a black abyss, and the last vestiges of my stability fell away.  The help I sought was barely enough.

The summer ended, and I began searching for a job, which came quickly.  Working again has been a positive experience.  I have supportive co-workers and supervisors, and I enjoy the job.

These last few months, stability has been returning, somewhat too rapidly to be believed.  The help I have sought is beneficial, and my coping skills are mostly healthy now.  My marriage is floating back to the surface.

I find myself saying "2018 will be better."  Truthfully though, there is no way of knowing, and it is wishful thinking to claim it.    It isn't pessimism exactly, just the knowledge that I have no control over what happens in a year.  All I have control over are my thoughts, behaviors, and feelings in response to what happens, whether good or bad.

I do wish everyone a Happy New Year, especially when it personally means beginnings and a sense of second, third, or fourth chances. I'm still making three resolutions:  To cope better, to read more, and to write more.     

The earth circling the sun must mean something.