Wednesday, January 8, 2014

The Day After Our Anniversary, Two and Half Days Before I See You Again

I already told you that I daydreamed about you today.  I'm surprised I didn't write my name several times on my Post-Its, just to see my first name mingled with your last name, like a girl in middle school.  Perhaps I didn't only because I had already signed my name, with that lovely mingling, several times that morning. 
 But that is how I feel lately, giddy on love.

The daydreaming was both innocent and not.  Too much information for a blog.  

9 years of marriage, almost 15 years together.  1000's of memories.  There are two songs that I can think of off the top of my head with lyrics about love being incompatible with mathematical equations and logic.  As a person that prefers logic, I certainly enjoy knowing the exact chemicals stimulated in the human brain that help people bond in what we call love, but that is just knowledge for science's sake.  
The love I have for you moves beyond that.   

Since you've been away on another continent and the mundane chores of my day threaten my sanity, I have invented this way of thinking of our love as an epic love story from a novel.  Not deadly like Romeo and Juliet, dreary like Heathcliff and Catherine, cold like Pip and Estella, or terribly cheesy (and poorly written) like Edward and Bella.  I think of us more like Jamie and Claire, with much less war, farming, and time travel.  A constantly maturing love, full of devotion, where we both acknowledge our previous and present faults while forgiving perceived faults in each other. 

There is an ebb and flow to us that we used to struggle against, swimming when we should have floated, treading water when we should have swam like mad.  But we understand it now.  I have an angry, passionate, depressing streak in my life that flares from time to time, but you understand it, validate it, and help me give it purpose.  You profess not to understand me, but I'm telling you that you do.

We have not been married 50+ years so no, I do not consider us experts on marriage.  I think it is fair to say most people consider the following as ingredients for a happy relationship:  Communication, respect, sacrifice, willingness to improve, trust earned and trust given, many of these types of concepts......that are meaningless until both people in the relationship really mean and practice them.....

I like our story. Even the bad parts.  

It can be broken down easily.  I first saw you when you were working at a Subway.   
Make me a sammach boy.  
Who is this overly skinny chick with a shaved head? 
Then we got a job working together.  We flirted.  We had a date. We became infatuated with each other. Our teeth hit on the first kiss.  We got pregnant soon after.  (Oh crap!)  We moved in together.  We grew apart.  We saw other people.  We came back together.  We got pregnant again.  

Up until that point, I think we were "in love" but we were rarely practicing the ingredients.   

We got married before Hurricane Katrina.  When I said the vows, I meant them completely...but....but I was not yet ready to completely let you behind the walls I keep.  It was the hurricane that did it.  Amidst the terror, there was a moment that I knew, where knowing is no longer a conscious thought, that you would protect me and our children with your own life, always.  I no longer needed to carry so much fear because you had become my fortress.  It shook me to the core to know the extent of your love for me.  I knew/know it, I trusted/trust it, and I wanted/want to keep it for always.  
And I want you to feel the same from me, always.  

That core shaking moment happened again when Trent was born.  We looked at each and knew that we were forging ahead, together.  The words didn't even need to be said.  

It doesn't matter that sometimes we argue (though very maturely,) that sometimes we feel boring, run down by the ordinary demands, and very less than epic, our foundation is the knowing that took place during those moments, and those moments were epic.  
The way you being on another continent makes me miss, respect, trust, adore, and appreciate you with an all-consuming excitability is epic.  It is all so freaking epic. 

 But "I love you" was simply not expressive or epic enough for what I needed to tell you today.   Neither is "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"  

I could not go to sleep tonight until I said it better.    

I hope you read this over and over before your long flight home.  I hope it permeates your dreams, both day and night.