Saturday, May 17, 2014

No Longer Needing

When my mother died at 42 years old, I was 16.  The anger, fear, and sadness carried me only so far.  
I began looking for a mother substitute to replace that void.  

I really wasn't picky.  Pretty much any older woman that showed me attention and affection was elevated to a pedestal rather quickly. Of course, I connected with some better than others just on the basis of personality.  
Looking back, I'm sure these connections served a purpose, but I can also see where there was an element of unhealthiness surrounding it all.

I forced intimacy.  
Yearning for love and a mother figure, I forced women to try to fill that role. When they couldn't fill it to the deepness that I craved, I became angry with them, as though it was their fault that they couldn't love me the way my mom had.  The expectations were always too high, which always led to a crash.  

I had an epiphany this morning.  
I no longer have the need for a replacement mom.
I tried to pinpoint when I stopped needing it but can't.  
The need just....cured itself?  Vanished?  Was outgrown?  
I don't think it really matters when.  There was subconscious freedom in the loss of the need and even more freedom in the realization that the need is gone.  

I thought long and hard why the need left, and I think the reason is that I have finally become the mom I needed.  
I have found what I needed in myself.  
There is still pain, still insecurities in most areas of my life, but I know no one can fill those voids except for me. 
I can certainly accept love from relatives and friends, but the ultimate love must be the love I have for myself. 

There is a peace that was not there before.

Dedicated to the women, who through no fault of their own, could not be a mother to me, but so lovingly tried:

Becky Miller (RIP)
 Karen Olivier
Carole Fuselier (RIP)
 Karen Smith
Debbie Young
 Donna Fontenot 
 Darla Brown (RIP)
 Marilyn Johnson
Linda Miller
 Cynthia Hollier 
Lynn Hall
Rose Mary Miller
 Ann Michel