October 2013 and now

Back in 2013, I wrote a blog post about song lyrics that meant something to me.  I quoted The Fray's "How to Safe a Life", particularly the lyric:

Where did I go wrong?
I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness 

I spoke about all the friends I have lost over time, often because when a person gets too close, I tend to pull away.  Back in 2013, I was already somewhat stable but still struggling to keep friends.  After that, some new friendships were formed but also faded away.  Or rather, I pulled away or I self-sabotaged or the friendship simply ended for a reason that had nothing to do with me.  Either way, the losses hurt over and over again, and I reinforced the negative behaviors of pulling away as people pull close.  I told myself to stop needing people, and I idolized Estelle from Great Expectations, ignoring the happy ending of the story and only caring about her superb, controlled, and supreme coldness.

Then I started grad school and there were new friends, and as I learned what I learned, I let two people in further than before.  They nurtured me, and I tried my best to nurture them.  However, since Chad's death, the problem has returned.  Even with those two very special friends from school, I feel myself pulling away even as I need their friendship so badly.  It has happened with others as well; they get too close; I need too much; I become frightened of more pain, and I close the door.  I lose people in the bitterness.

My social worker told me today that it is similar to having a phobia of emotions instead of spiders and snakes.  She hit the nail on the head:  I am afraid of emotions because emotions can become too overwhelming, and it is easier to have no emotions than uncontrollable ones.  

I have been repeating to myself "This is what his suicide left behind" because I'm reminding myself that pain after a loss is normal, trying to avoid the pain is also normal, and engaging in negative coping mechanisms is normal, albeit not healthy.     

In a way, I'm back to the 16 year old girl who lost her mom and had no coping skills, didn't know how to ask for help, didn't know how to talk about any of it, and acted impulsively as a result.  Fortunately, I have therapy, education, and honesty this time.  

Ending these posts is always hard for me; I want to end on a positive note so everyone is left with a sense of closure, but honestly, there is no positive way to end this.  It is what it is.